Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Teacher's pet

Today I nipped out of my classroom to get something (or maybe it was to get a drink, or have a chat) and when I returned I realised I had a new student.

Apparently his name is Roger, and although he obviously didn't find my lesson very interesting, he stayed for the entire time and did more work than most of the class. Weird thing is that the students didn't even bother him, and acted like its an every day occurrence to have a cat in the room. Be interesting to see if he does his homework.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Soul based blogwars

In response to Steve's blog here, yes I have received the 3p (and an envelope), and yes, Steve now is the legal owner and keeper of my soul.

I, on the other hand, am now making use of a pristine child's soul which I previously purchased from some unscrupulous (but classy and clean) parents several years ago, while Steve has paid a good 3p for a twenty six year old, grubby, beered up soul. I feel that I got the best deal out of the whole thing to be honest. There was no way my soul was worth 3p.

Soul sharing

In response to this blog of Steves - I have not yet received the money and so I am still the legal owner of my soul.

Its all worked out well as I bought the soul of a small child several years ago for 1p - so actually made a profit of 2p and still have a soul. Cost Saving Initiative #3442.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Note to self: Steve Wharton, bad influence

Yesterday afternoon we helped Amber buy and construct some shelves in return for a free lunch (cost saving initiative #253). Afterwards we were understandably quite tired and looked forward to a quiet evening of sitting around and maybe doing the ironing.

All was ruined when neighbour Steve invited us to the pub quiz at the Robbins Well. We agreed to go, but leave as soon as the quiz was over. Steve also guaranteed we would win the quiz and leave with more money than we arrived with. We met a couple of new people with curly hair, and the next thing I knew, it was 12.30am and me, John, Steve and Gav were singing along to an Oasis medley. I also recall Steve and I spending far too much time trying to copy msn messenger emoticons with our own faces, and something to do with cream crackers. We had not won the quiz.

The remainder of the evening can probably be best described by the 'notes to self' I found on my answering machine this morning:
  • 12.34am: Remember free barbeque at Robbins Well next Sunday at 2pm
  • 12.36am: John's idea - consolidate snooker ball colours and judo belt colours
  • 12.43am: Remind self of Steve threatening to break Luke's kneecaps (who is Luke?)
  • 12.47am: Remind self that Steve was on our conservatory roof retreiving a CD (turned out to be Power Rangers Ninja Storm)
  • 12.48am: Paul has just turned up

Its all very, very, very worrying.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

No more favours anymore

As many people will testify, I am a very helpful person. However, all this may have to soon change as it seems my helpfulness continues to end in my own pain and suffering.

In the past month or so the following have happened:
  • Kindly offered to collect John from work because it was raining, ended up getting nabbed for speeding.
  • Went to help our upstairs neighbour retrieve some post she had managed to get stuck in the door, ended up getting locked out of the house for two hours.
  • Answered the phone and agreed to help Amber buy shelves, kicked over a glass of orange squash.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Friday, September 24, 2004

Gaps in the space-time continuum

Even though our finances were reaching critical levels, we decided to go and have a few social beers in the Jug and Jester last night. We expected to start drinking at around 9, stay in the Jug all night and leave at chucking out time. No Mirage, no Rios, no kebabs, no people back to our house talking rubbish. Me, John, Marie Claire and Gary got there at 8.30 and Paul, Tracy and JV joined us later. We had a fair few drinks and then left around midnight.

I got to bed at 2.30am. I have no idea what happened to those missing 2.5 hours, but I do vaguely recall: Seriously considering Rios before deciding it would have been a stupid idea (it would have been), buying kebabs from Sakarya and learning how to pronounce Kofthe, Paul coming to our house and discussing the ways in which the English language has let us down by not having non gender specific singular pronouns, chatting with neighbour Stefan on msn for a few seconds (turned out to be over an hour) and drinking more beer.

On the plus side, we managed to spend less than £30. On the negative side, my sleep debt has increased by 2.5 hours. Again.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

The whole truth

My truth machine arrived today and I am very excited. I shall now have revenge on those of you who suspected my truth telling abilities. I have the truth and the law on my side. Do not believe these cowboys- they obviously have something to hide.

After extensive testing, it turns out that it recognises the truth 100% of the time, that I am always honest, and that I am the only person trained in reading the complex output. Also turns out that I am 17 years old. Well, I always suspected...

The truth machine will be making guest appearances soon to test you all... then we'll see who speaks only the truth.

Monday, September 20, 2004

What is the meaning of a word?

As John and I were discussing our favourite topic of Wittgenstein this evening (over a game of backgammon, naturally) we were astounded when our good friend Mr Gary Barker texted John to inform us that Wittgenstein was a specialised subject on Mastermind.

We turned on the TV to discover that some fellow knew almost as much about Wittgenstein as we do. Turns out he won the heat too. He wasn't playing backgammon though.

Discussion of Wittgenstein is becoming a bit old hat for me to be honest. My latest topic of interest is Complexity and Complication in Evolving Historical Processes. I heard about it on University Challenge. Anyone want to discuss it over a game of chess?

Best weekend ever?

Lets look at the evidence:
  • Beat the bookies and left Warwick racecourse with more money than I arrived with
  • Became world champion at Ambush
  • Man City won
  • Had pie for tea. Twice.
  • Was hangover free on at least one day

I think we have a new winner.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Next stop world domination

Yes, I am finally world Ambush champion after recording a score that amazed even me. With 282400 I have put Goldenboy into second place by a mile. I said I would do it and I did. Let this be a lesson to you all - do not mess with me, you will not win.

Anyway, at least now I can stop playing that stupid game. It worries me a bit that I can put so many hours of effort into something so pointless in order to beat someone I don't even know. Maybe I should put that effort into writing my book, or making a million, or taking over the world. Hmmm... maybe I will just after I've got the high score on Chainspace.


Read it and weep, Goldenboy.

Day at the races

Yesterday, me, John, Paul, Gary and Marie Claire went to Warwick races. I was a bit dubious to begin with as I knew nothing about horses and visualised myself losing my house and car and living in a cardboard box eating Asda own brand food for the rest of my life.

However, after a slow start and a tasty beef sandwich, everything started to fall into place. We bet on Lazzazz because we liked the name - it won, I bet on Morse because I liked the odds - it won, and finally in the sixth race, John bet on Bojangles, which won, and I bet each way on Gustavo because I liked the form and it came in second. Six races and six pints and I was £38 up. Result.

Afterwards we went to the Old Fourpenny Shop where I gloated about my winnings and we had some more beer and some pie. We finally got home at about 9.30pm and John fell asleep on the sofa while I watched Match of the Day. Turned out Manchester City had beat Crystal Palace, and I even got to bed before midnight. All in all a good day.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Advice for All

Whilst meandering around the internet aimlessly I stumbled upon this website offering free help and advice. The advice is excellent and given selflessly, and if I knew who does the advising I would buy them several drinks because they are obviously a wonderful person.

So, if you have something troubling you, why not email it in? You will get a speedy answer which the advisor somehow manages to fit into their probably busy schedule. How fantastic. Wish I'd thought of it.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Now scared of sharks

Last night me, John and Gav went to see Open Water at the Apollo. How come is it that a film about a dwarf who likes trains attracts loads of us and yet a film that was described to me as "a cross between Jaws and the Blair Witch Project" ends up just having three of us see it? You people have no taste. Or maybe you have just found other hobbies.

Anyhow, I thought the film was very good, and I won't go into the ending for if anyone reading this wants to see it (is anyone reading this?). An interesting thing was that the film claimed to be a true story at the start, but the ending had the usual disclaimer of "This film is fiction, any resemblance to actual people or events is coincidental..." which I found odd. I would recommend it, although I'm not sure if it would hold my attention if I saw it on the TV instead of the cinema.

So, in conclusion, sharks have now been added to my list of phobias which now includes snakes, sharks, worms, fish with big heads, wicker and cane.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004


Ambush, from Pug Fugly games, now has an online highscore table. This is not good for me. I don't normally think that I am a competitive person, but this really has brought out my obsessive nature. I am currently 2nd in the highscore table, which is good for a girl, but just not good enough. I want to be top and I will play until I am. Do not stand in my way.

Sunday, September 12, 2004


John has uploaded his photos from last night's festivities. As usual they are of high quality, but I find myself seriously puzzled by this picture. Now, its not Gav's vivid green jumper that is the source of my confusion, its more what on earth is John wearing. And why?

Lets look at the facts: it was 3.25am (I know the photo says 2.25, but thats GMT), John was not going anywhere nor had he been anywhere, but he's wearing a jacket that he found on the floor on Avenue Road at 5am a few weeks back. And he's wearing a hat under his hood. Ok, you might say, he dressed up for the photo - but what was the photo being taken of? I was taking a picture of John in his jacket, but why was he wearing it? Answers...

Also, I have had to ban myself from looking at this picture because it makes me laugh too much. I have no idea why, its not even that funny. Maybe its something to do with only having 5 hours sleep and then drinking five cans of Vanilla Diet Coke.

It was supposed to be a few quiet drinks

Chris and Rae arrived at some ridiculously early hour of the afternoon and we went to the Sozzled Sausage for lunch. Afterwards we went to Stone the Crows where we bought plenty of Halloween themed tat for their upcoming Halloween party.

We decided that the only sensible thing to do when slightly hungover and very tired was to invite people round for a quiet drink, and started on the cocktails straight away. Gary, Marie-Claire, Gav and Paul came along and much drinking and frivolity followed. Steve didn't come round because he claimed he was tired (yes, that'll be because you kept us up until 3.30am on Friday, Mr Wharton). Singstar came out, which we managed to turn into a drinking shots of tequilla game because it seemed like a good idea at the time. The maracas came out, WarioWare was played, and Gav insisted he really wanted me to make him a bizarre cocktail made out of milk, gin, vodka, rum and lemon. That didn't seem like a good idea even then, and it was truly the most horrible thing I have tasted in my life. I would not recommend it - especially if made by estimation and with questionable milk.

I'm currently sat here listening to Bluegrass music. It hurts but I simply cannot move.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

That Stefan Warburton is trouble

Last night we were invited to join Ian's celebrations for finishing his thesis. We decided that we should be grown up since we had Chris Roper, managing director of Pug Fugly games and his lady wife, Rae, visiting today, and not drink too much or go to bed too late. Everything went to plan, we rejected tempting offers to go to Rios and Sugar and left Zest at around 11.

It all should have been fine - but we went for a quick drink in Robbin's Well with our neighbour Steve, which turned into three pints which turned into a bottle of wine at his house. John fell asleep on Steve's sofa while Steve talked nonsense at me for around three hours. When we decided it really was time to go home, John rejected the sensible road route and instead decided to take the dangerous canal route into our small conservatory. With the patio doors being locked he had to bang on the glass and scream like a girl until I came to rescue him. John does not recall this.

Planned time to bed: midnight. Actual time to bed: 3.30am. Sleep debt: 3.5 hours.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Nothing but the truth

Despite the title of my blog, and the fact that honesty is my middle name, my so called friends constantly accuse me of making things up or adding some embellishments to stories I tell. To stop these cruel and hurtful allegations and slurs on my good character, I think I might buy one of these.

Then I'll want a full apology from all of you. Oh yes.

Well done me

I have managed to go a whole week without getting locked in the park or locked out of my house. I am proud.

We don't know how lucky we are...

Last night, I joined a few people in the Townhouse to watch England play Poland. Now obviously, the England football team are rubbish. They threw away the game against Austria and they just about managed to beat Poland. Interestingly, David James had been dropped, so now he knows what the ball feels like.*

Anyway, after the England game we watched the second half of Wales v Northern Ireland. Without wanting to offend any Welsh or Northern Irish people, it was like watching Sunday league. It was 9 players against 10, someone had no shoes on, and I was expecting someone's dog to run on the pitch at one point and steal the ball. The result was a 2-2 draw, but football was the real loser. Now, I expect this statement will come back to haunt me when both teams hammer England later in the qualifiers, but in my opinion Wales and Northern Ireland both sucked. And I know all about teams sucking from supporting Manchester City. At least the England team generally qualify for the finals, tend get past the first round, and have won something in the past. They might be poor at times, but at least they're not that poor. Maybe people should stop being so critical. And don't get me started on Scotland...

Strangely, John has now decided he is English, not Welsh.

*David James mentioned just so I could get that joke in. I thought it was funny.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

From Alton to Zest

Yesterday we celebrated Mike and Kate's birthdays by having a trip to Alton Towers followed by a drinking session in Leamington. We had to get up at 7.30am on a Saturday (!) and we drove up with Tracy and Chelsea.

Oblivion was the best ride I went on. I am ashamed to say I screamed like a girl, but at least I wasn't too scared to go on it (Mike and Laura, I'm looking in your direction...). Spinball Whizzer and Ripsaw were also very very good. Hex was good, but not as good as the original Magic Swing at Blackpool, which rocks. We decided against joining the huge queues for Nemesis (we've been on it loads before) and Air (had it on good authority that is not that good), so we missed out on those, but we'll go again another time. Chelsea was 3cm too short for the big rides even in her heels and ponytail, but almost got on Ripsaw before being rumbled by an eagle-eyed employee. The skyrides were broken, so we actually had to walk through the gardens like some common paupers.

We arrived home at 9, and were in Zest by 10 where we had several drinks but decided against going to Sugar, tempting though it was. Instead, me, John, Gary, Marie-Claire and Paul came back to ours for a drink (which nobody drank) and we got to bed at a reasonable 2.30am.

Friday, September 03, 2004

You people, you lead me astray...

On planning a small outing last night, I had envisaged myself and my civilized friends meeting in the Jug and Jester and discussing Wittgenstein over a game of Backgammon whilst sipping mineral water. I intended to be tucked up in bed by 10.30pm in order to finish reading my Latin manuscripts. I can't really remember what did happen, but I assumed everything went to plan.

However, on viewing John's photos this morning, I have started to recall the true events. It appears we got beered up in the Jug and then the 'new' Lounge before moving onto Mirage. Its a bit patchy from then on, but it seems that we flailed around like fools... took photos of strangers... danced in the cage... drank too much cheap lager... sat on the floor... did much hugging and kissing (Tracy?)... We may have also gone to Viallis, but there is no photographic evidence so it couldn't have happened. It was around 3am when we did get home. And Tracy was there. I was sure she had already left in a taxi...

Ah well, I feel fine today, which is more than can be said for Gary and John. Must be down to my magic tablets.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

We won

Yes, we outwitted the Leamington Spa Singstar kidnappers. This was mainly done through our much higher level of intelligence and logic. We turned the tables, the hunter became the hunted and in the end they were begging us to drink with them. 1-0 to us then.